


Picture This

by ignition



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Character, Dick Pics, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Mentioned Akaashi Keiji, Mentioned Bokuto Koutarou, Mentioned Tsukishima Kei, Teenage Drama, accidental dick pics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21895252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignition/pseuds/ignition
Summary: Not expecting it, Kenma receives a picture from Kuroo that isn't even close to what he asked for. It doesn't really bother him, as much as it confuses him.This does not look like the regular dick pic.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 47





	Picture This

**Author's Note:**

> Bruh, I don't even know. What a way to elbow myself into a fandom.

Kenma isn’t sure what he’s looking at. Or, he knows perfectly well what he’s looking at, he’s just not sure why Kuroo sent him a dick pic instead of the asked for schedule of his friend’s. It’s also not looking like the traditional _here’s a hard dick for you_ kind of a picture. There’s a little doodled sombrero over the head, completely covering the top, a black moustache where the flared part of the glans of the penis starts, and a guitar sticker over the middle of the length, paired with two stick figure arms playing it. For a dick pic it’s actually quite cute, or at the very least charming. Kenma can’t but frown at his own brain for approving of the imagery. He’s also not quite sure how to respond. He’s never received a dick pic before in his life. He’s seen them due to the internet being the internet, and his own googling at a younger curious age. He’s also pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to get this, like at all.

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> DUCK!
> 
> That’s not me
> 
> I mean that’s not my duck
> 
> *dick.
> 
> Duck
> 
> *fuck

Leaving his friend to panic a bit more, Kenma presses the image again, nodding in agreement when he notes that the half of a hand next to the erect penis doesn’t look much like Kuroo’s. First of all, the nails look cut, and Kuroo bites his whenever he’s stuck reading things he doesn’t understand. Which is all of his science book. Secondly, there’s a bracelet, or at least a string of yarn around the wrist, that doesn’t look like anything Kuroo would wear. Too wispy a material for the aesthetic that his friend is going for. Third and last, there’s a distinct size difference to the hands, though according to what Kenma’s read before the size of the hands and feet of an individual are supposedly a bit of a hint of the sizing of other body parts too. So maybe not only the hands are bigger on his friend?

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> Please talk to me
> 
> Pleas e say I haven’t ruined you?

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> Why do you have somebody else’s doodled on dick pic saved on your phone?

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> Akaashi drew it
> 
> IT’ SN OT HIS THOUG
> 
> NOT AKASAHI DICK

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> Ok

Kenma spends another moment to look at the picture again. It really is kind of charming. Who would’ve thought he’d be a dick art connoisseur? Maybe it’s the cuteness mixed with the general taboo of naked flesh? The juxtaposition of it? Maybe it’s just that Kenma is a teenaged boy and thus naturally inclined to be interested in anything remotely pornographic?

He frowns. He usually isn’t interested though. He doesn’t even watch porn in his own time. Only ever did it to see if he found it interesting. And he doesn’t. Not guy on girl porn, not lesbian, and not gay. None of it had really made him in any way interested in clicking another video. He still had, to make sure that it wasn’t just the one representative video not doing it for him. None of the videos had. Then again, Kenma generally doesn’t really masturbate either, so maybe he’s just not that interested in sexual acts at all?

He’s still interested in this one dick pic though, and that intrigue is worthy of exploration, at the very least. He should indulge further to really figure out why he likes it.

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> Are there more pictures? With doodles?

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> …
> 
> Yes
> 
> I have more
> 
> ..?

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> Can I see?
> 
> If they’re drawn on too?

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> U like the dick doodles?
> 
> U?
> 
> Doodle dicks?
> 
> Doodicks?

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> I’m not sure

Kenma rests his chin in his hand as he waits for a response, glances up at his tv-screen to make sure that nothing strange has happened to the game he’s paused in. Then he considers the game control in his lap, thinking he might just want to get to the next check-point before turning his attention back to his phone. Kuroo would understand. Kenma nods to himself and unpauses the game, barely blinking as his hero character ventures forward on his mission to save the world. He hums along to the game music, fingers moving deftly over the control, and narrows his eyes the moment enemies show up on the screen. They’re obliterated in no time.

Half an hour has passed when Kenma finally pauses his game again, far beyond the check-point he’d thought he’d stop by. It’s only because his hero picked up pieces of a map that he remembered he had his very own finding to do.

Scratching lightly at his neck, Kenma unlocks his phone to more pictures. Still humming, he flicks through them, a slight smile on his face. There’s a French caricature dick, with a black beret, a red scarf and a baguette. Another is an astronaut, helmet surrounding the head of the dick and a little speech bubble pronouncing _one giant leap for mankind_. The cowboy dick has a yellow sheriff’s badge, a cowboy hat and another speech bubble that says _I will ride you down, you criminal_. The following prisoner dick is striped in black and white and has a grey ball and chain, the ball appropriately covering one of the actual balls.

It’s interesting to look at. And Kenma think that it might be the creativity of Akaashi that really has him interested. The Santa dick finally makes Kenma blush. Even though this one has the penis the most covered up, it still feels a little inappropriate. His speech bubble asking _naughty or nice_ doesn’t make it better. Fanning himself, Kenma swipes on. Batman dick. Snake dick. Elephant’s trunk dick. The Super Mario dick also makes Kenma pause, frowning at the headwear which looks more like a snapback than Mario’s traditional hat. He swipes away once more and freezes. Bites at his lip and goes back into regular chat mode.

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> Maybe you shouldn’t have sent the second to last one?
> 
> An owl makes it sort of obvious
> 
> Its jersey even has his number on it

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> DUCK
> 
> Nooooooooo
> 
> *fuck
> 
> Please ignore everything you just found out.
> 
> And never tell anyone about this!

Lying down on his side, Kenma considers this last request and finds that it’s perfectly acceptable. Should he himself ever take a dick pic he wouldn’t want the information about its existence spread or known about. He does have questions though. Pressing questions that he wants answered.

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> Why did Akaashi-san doodle on top of Bokuto-san’s dick pic and then send it to you?

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> Ok, so
> 
> Bokuto sent it to our group chat by mistake
> 
> And then he was real upset
> 
> So Akaashi tried to make it into a joke?
> 
> I think?
> 
> Or he was mocking him, I’m not entirely sure
> 
> Bokuto reacted well to it
> 
> We all had a laugh
> 
> (Bokuto, Akaashi and I, Tsukki hasn’t seen them yet)
> 
> I thought it was funny, so I saved them
> 
> Not the original though, only the doodled ones
> 
> And the Mexican dick was the first I saved, so it was next to the picture I took of my schedule
> 
> So then I pressed it accidentally to you when u asked for my schedule
> 
> And now I will banish myself into the bad friend hell hole

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> Ok
> 
> To the information
> 
> I think the bad friend hell hole is silly
> 
> But if it will make you feel better
> 
> I guess that’s okay too

> **Nekuroo:**
> 
> Thank you
> 
> I feel very validated
> 
> You belong in the good friend cloud of fluffiness and joy
> 
> May you always be rich in game and playtime
> 
> I need to go drown myself in the shower now
> 
> See you tomorrow!

Not bothering to answer, Kenma moves to ready himself for bed too, again thinking about dick pics and the availability of them if one knows where to look or ask. Inspecting his face in the bathroom mirror, he takes note of the lack of shame in his eyes. There’s no gleam of interest either though. Just cool whatever-ness. No. Dick pics are probably not for him. At least not in the way they’re usually meant. And they really weren’t more than a curiosity before. He doesn’t see himself interested in searching out more art dicks either.

When he returns to his bed, teeth freshly brushed and pyjamas on, Kenma realises there’s one thing he needs to do before trying to sleep though. Curling up on his bed, he unlocks his phone again and opens up his conversation with Kuroo again. He wiggles his toes as he types the words for the second time this day. The clock reads 11.14PM. He hopes Kuroo’s not dramatically tried to off himself or fallen asleep already.

> **Nekenma:**
> 
> What’s your schedule for Friday?

**Author's Note:**

> I had to google "anatomy of the penis" for this, to make sure I used the right words.
> 
> Should I be ashamed of this?
> 
> No, as an EFL speaker and writer, I shall deem this perfectly reasonable, thank you very much.
> 
> Regardless, hope you enjoyed? Sort of?


End file.
